Three Years Together As ?Friends And Lovers? ? What Should He ...

Dear Rori,

I have read and listened to a lot f your ebooks, and workshops (modern siren, reconnect your relationship, commitment blueprint and lovescript for relationships), but I am facing a very specific problem in my relationship that I don?t know how to address. I have been in a relationship (we are separated from our respective spouses) for about 3 years with a man that I love very much and who loves me as well ( I can feel that).

We are best friends and lovers. I have with him the relationship that I want, as I am a fully devoted mother of a little boy, and as committed as I am to this man, I don?t want to live with him or marry him. Our expectations for this relationship are very much in line right now, and I keep an open mind as to what the future will hold and whether the desire from both of us to live together will arise or not. There is one thing though that really upsets me: I am a very straightforward person and I have told my family and friends about him. So far, he has not been willing to tell his children and family about us.

He has told his best friend from grade school recently, but that is all. He will take me out with his family though, as his ?friend,? and I am very uncomfortable with this every time as I feel that I am living a lie. This behavior makes me feel like running away from this relationship, even if I enjoy it very much, because I feel like (I know this is awful) he is not telling them the truth because he doesn?t think it is worth it, and will take that step when he seriously commits to someone.

Can you help me with this? How can I address this?

Thank you, G.
***

From Me:

Question: Why ? if you don?t want to live with him or marry him ? do you care about these other things?

Relationships can?t stand still.

Either they move forward or they fade.

If he doesn?t want to make a home with you, and you with him ? the thing is really just a friendship with sex.

If this is what you want right now ? and it sounds like it is ? my advice is to think about what all these other wishes and expectations mean to you. Why do you care who ?knows? you?re lovers?

AND ? I?d ask him! Talk to him!

Share with him how you feel about where you?re at ? and request these few alterations in how he talks about you.

3 years is a very long time to not be able to talk about the deep things.

If what you want is to keep it superficial ? then that?s your answer!

He doesn?t want to call you his ?girlfriend? if that?s not what?s going on.

Essentially ? you?re boyfriend/girlfriend. If being his girlfriend is all you want for now ? then talk with him about what that means for you and how he can make some adjustments to make you happier.

If this isn?t about the future ? then talk about the now.

Good luck ? and I?m so happy you have most of what you want here?Love, Rori

***

From G:

Hi Rori,

Thank you so much for your response! You have certainly asked the right questions, and honestly, I wished I had the answers. I think that, although the situation is working for me now, I feel like we are lying to his family when we are with them pretending that we are ?just friends?. I have told my family the truth, as I have a wonderfully open relationship with them and they trust that as long as I am happy things are fine. I suppose I can?t expect the same on his part, but it is really bothering once in a while.

I wished there was a way for me to get to the bottom of my feelings and really understand them. I have been married before and just got through a divorce, and that creates a lot of fear of making the same mistakes again. And I am very content with what we have now, but somehow (probably also because I understand that relationships can?t stand still), I think that I fear to move forward as much as I fear to see this relationship fade? Am I doomed here with too many contradictory feelings?

I am so confused? I have to say though that my lover responds very well to your communication tools!

Thank you again,

G.

*****

G ? have you asked him what he wants from this relationship, and what he sees, and if he thinks of you as his friend or as his girlfriend, and is there something you should know about why he calls you ?just friends? with regard to his family?

What?s important here is for you just to know what?s going on with him ? and either accept it or reject it.

I?m sure you two are on the same page, but it?s good to talk about it and to know?and if anything?s bothering you, it?s good to get it out into the open.

***

From G:

Thank you Rori, I will try to find out what is going on with him and keep you posted with the result (I will practice the lovescripts!).

From Rori:

It all boils down to what we want.

Not what looks good, or sounds good ? or even the ?meaning? we give to what we feel.

The whole point of feeling our feelings is to give us the information we need to choose how we perceive our experiences and our feelings.

If something doesn?t feel right to us ? we need to experience that ? and then we need to ask ourselves what would feel better.

And if what would feel better would be HIM doing something ? then that?s the problem.

We are always in motion.? Towards something, away from something, just wandering around, feeling and experiencing.

Being drawn to something, being repelled by something?just wandering.

What someone else does alongside us in this dance is what we want to experience ? and see what feels best ? moving towards, moving away.

And always, always speaking the truth of what?s going on for you ? without giving it any meaning, or anyone?s fault, or working to create a solution.

We can?t change him.

We can only choose to be there with him or not.

We can only accept everything unconditionally, and speak our feelings.

Or, we can step away.

If we?re with the right, good man, he?ll hear us and do whatever it takes to make us feel happy before we step away. And he can tell he?s on the right track when we smile and say we feel happy.

I know it sounds way too simple ? but truly it is. It only gets complicated when we try to hang on, try to make something happen, try to make change.

Go in a different direction. Discover what it feels like to be where you are ? and then discover what you?d like it to feel like. Then talk about that ? and instead of asking for change, say how it feels the way it is and the way you?d like it to feel. Be specific.

You can do this.? Just start from where you are, and let?s see what happens!

Love, Rori

Source: http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/three-years-together-as-friends-and-lovers-what-should-he-call-you/

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